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Do an autistic kid a favor by holding him accountable

When TJ was in fourth grade, he was in a performance of “Peter Pan.” He and three boys were the tail of the crocodile, standing this close to each other.

And TJ licked K’s head. While under the tail of the crocodile.

Another friend, who knows TJ very well, scolded him. “It’s okay, he has autism,” K said. But TJ’s friend said “No. He’s in fourth grade, he knows better than to lick someone’s head.”

I was so proud of this friend.

Now TJ is 14. He’s almost 6 feet tall. He’s not licking anyone’s head anymore – his inappropriateness has grown into teenage inappropriateness.

Tonight, he was angry with me that his iPad time was done for the day. I knew his anger was building, and suddenly he screamed at me, “F off mom!”

For the record, he said the F-word.

This is totally unacceptable, autism or no autism, so TJ was sent to his room and told screen time for the next day was lost. I told him he was not allowed downstairs until he calmed down. After a lot more colorful language yelled through his door, he finally calmed down.

A friend and fellow autism mom sent me a message after I tried to make light of the incident on Facebook.

Her son “acts on impulses and is always remorseful, but someday that may be too late. Our goal is to control those impulses before they become habits and eventually his character and way of handling anxiety,” she wrote. “It’s a race against the clock as his brain is maturing. ... I just want to make sure parents and people who r not raising (autism spectrum disorder) children understand the importance and the fine line these children/teenagers walk. (These) kiddos need to be accountable for their actions.”

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told by school employees how hard it is to discipline TJ because he’s cute. Well, he’s learned that he can get away with some behaviors and use his autism as an excuse.

What I want people to know, and to remember, is that all kids need to be held accountable for their behaviors. These behaviors can sometimes be explained by a diagnosis, but if these kids learn that their diagnosis will get them out of trouble, think of the trouble they may willingly cause. They need clear expectations set.

My friend is right – time is ticking. Now is the time to give him every tool he needs to be calm, happy and productive as he grows into an adult. We may have to work a little harder because of his autism, but TJ is so, so worth it.



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