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Suicide: A complicated grief

In efforts to stop suicide, it often requires a vocal friend

Isolation. Guilt. Blame. Anger. Grief.

Those are some of the emotions people feel after losing a loved one to suicide.

In 2013, the Colorado Department of Health and Environment reported that the state experienced a record high number and rate of suicides in 2012. The Colorado Office of Suicide Prevention reported that Colorado consistently ranks in the Top 10 states in the nation for suicide rates.

La Plata County is not immune, reporting 16 suicides in 2012, and dropping to nine in 2013. La Plata County Coroner Jann Smith reported that as of Tuesday, she ruled eight deaths as suicides so far this year. Statistics from the Colorado Office of Public Health show suicide as the seventh leading cause of death in the county.

But those are merely numbers.

Suicide is about people – those whose despair was so great that they took their own lives, those left behind whose grief is complicated and crippling, and the people in the community who are working to try to stop it.

‘What if ...’

“Suicide is doubly isolating. First, family members feel isolated by the loss of the child, secondly they are swirling with emotions of ‘what if,’ ‘if only’ and the guilt over the inability to prevent it and sometimes the words last spoken,” said Virginia Jones, a member of the Tres Rio Chapter of Compassionate Friends, which supports bereaved families who have lost a child to suicide. “Plus, there is a ‘shame’ aspect to suicide that makes it difficult to talk about or even go out in public.”

Those were the same kinds of emotions expressed by attendees at a recent meeting of Heartbeat Durango, the local group that supports anyone who has lost a loved one through suicide.

Like many support groups, members’ privacy is honored:

“Shambles.” “Shattered.” “The guilt is overwhelming.” “No matter how hard we try to make sense of it, we never will.” “I used to think a part of me died when she died, but really, a part of me stopped living when she died.”

One member talked about the words around suicide:

“I believe it’s the living who put emphasis on the word ‘choice.’ With the suicided, the emphasis is more a solution. They did not view their decision as a choice but a solution as their pain was so great.”

Because the members of Heartbeat have found that being with others who are feeling this unique kind of complicated grief helps the healing journey, they are sponsoring a local International Survivors of Suicide Day on Saturday at Fort Lewis College.

‘Overcoming politeness’

Local agencies and groups have been working to prevent suicide and provide access to mental-health care to decrease self-inflicted deaths in La Plata County.

For Jerry Brush and his wife, Kathy, the training to help get people who are suicidal the help they need was part of their service to their Southern Baptist congregation, where he is a pastor, and of his work as a teacher at Bayfield High School for 30 years.

“I’ve been fortunate to intervene with three suicidal students and prevent that,” he said.

He had permission to tell the story of Kizzi Prior, who graduated from BHS in the late 1980s.

“She had always been one to laugh and joke with me,” he said. “Then she became depressed, quiet, sullen. Another student came to me and said Kizzi and some other girls had a suicide pact.”

Brush went straight to the school counselor and principal. They called Marshal Jim Harrington, and together, they all sat down with the students and then their parents. Kizzi ended up in a 72-hour psychiatric-evaluation hold at Mercy Hospital.

“She asked me why I turned her in,” Brush said. “She said she wouldn’t be hurting now if I hadn’t turned her in.”

There isn’t generally a quick and easy solution to a suicidal person’s situation. Kizzi went through several more suicide attempts and in-patient care treatment before realizing that suicide would not solve what she was struggling to overcome.

Now married and living in Texas, she is a minister in her church, fosters her niece and, along with her husband, is a certified drug-rehab counselor.

Brush said he tells students often to let him or another adult know if someone has threatened to hurt themselves or someone else.

“I ask them, ‘If you don’t report it, and they follow through on it, how will you live with yourself?” he said.

Southern Ute Community Action Programs has trained more than 100 gatekeepers to assist suicidal people in finding the help they need. Martha Elbert is a gatekeeper.

“It raised my awareness and taught me when it’s appropriate to ask if someone is contemplating suicide,” she said. “I’m glad that I have asked. It helped just for them to know that I had realized their pain was that serious and that someone had noticed.”

The training also allowed her to switch out of the panic mode that someone was in trouble and into the mode of getting the person access to help.

“You’re asking people a very private thing,” she said. “They may need sympathy, but the top priority is to get them to be safe. It’s overcoming politeness because there’s more at stake here.”

abutler@durangoherald.com

If you go

Heartbeat Durango will hold the 16th annual International Survivors of Suicide Day, the annual day of healing for those who have lost someone to suicide, from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Saturday in Noble Hall Room 140 at Fort Lewis College. Admission is free.

To register or for more information, eamil Pat Roberts at patroberts2004@yahoo.com or call or text 749-1673.

Visit www.survivorday.org to learn more about the day, which was created by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

The Second Wind Fund of Four Corners still has a few slots open in its free “Question, Persuade and Refer” training for suicide prevention and awareness, which will be held from noon to 12:30 p.m. Dec. 8 at the Pine River Valley Bank. Email lesliensmith@gmail.com to reserve a seat.

To get help

The American Association of Suicidology has identified indicators that a person may be considering suicide and the corresponding actions a concerned family member or friend should take. These are signs there is a heightened risk of suicide in the near future, and it is often a combination of symptoms rather than one or two.

Call 911 if:

Someone is threatening to hurt or kill themselves.

A person is seeking access to a way to kill themselves such as pills or weapons.

Someone is talking or writing about death, dying or suicide.

In La Plata County, visit www.sucap.org and click on Suicide Prevention for a list of trained gatekeepers.

Call the Axis Health Systems 24-hour Hotline at 247-5245.

Contact a mental-health professional; or for a referral, call 1 (800) 273-TALK (8255).

If you witness or hear a person exhibiting one or more of these behaviors, call one of the numbers above for a trained gatekeeper or mental-health professional:

Hopelessness.

Rage, anger or seeking revenge.

Acting reckless or engaging in reckless activities, seemingly without thinking.

Feeling trapped, as though there is no way out.

Increasing alcohol or drug use.

Withdrawing from friends, family or society.

Anxiety, agitation, inability to sleep or sleeping all the time.

Dramatic mood changes.

No reason for living or no sense of purpose in life.

The Durango Chapter of Heartbeat for people who have lost loved ones to suicide meets from 6 to 8 p.m. the second and fourth Wednesdays of the month at Durango Fire Protection District Station No. 1, 142 Sheppard Drive in Bodo Industrial Park. For more information, call 403-4103 or 749-1673.

Cortez and Farmington have active chapters of Compassionate Friends for bereaved families of suicide victims. Visit www.compassionatefriends.org for more information.

The Second Wind Fund of the Four Corners provides access to mental-health care for at-risk youth ages 19 and younger. Visit http://swffcc.thesecondwindfund.org or call 946-9586 to learn more. This is not a crisis hotline.

The Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment and the Carson Spencer Foundation have created a website for adult men contemplating suicide, who often are unwilling to seek help, at www.mantherapy.org.

Aug 26, 2015
Durango man, 22, dies by suicide


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