My 11-year-old daughter has been friends with a pair of twins since kindergarten. She has more in common and fun with one than the other and so would like to invite her to things without the other twin. With other types of siblings, I have never worried about this (You don’t always invite little sister along on every – or any – play date), but this seems awkward. Is there a way to do this without hurting feelings?

I wish I could tell you, “Why, yes! There are three easy ways to handle this situation, and no one will experience any hurt feelings!”

But I think you and I (and all parents) know that life doesn’t work like that.

So you should start by asking yourself whether this is your problem to solve, or your child’s. All parents in all situations need to differentiate what may be in our heads from what reality, and our children, are showing us.

Finding affinity and friendships with people who are like us is a natural part of growing up. Separating from those to whom we don’t have likeness is also a part of growing up.

What is your role as a parent here? As you have no doubt realized, now that your daughter is getting older, your literal managing of friendships is ending, and instead, your role is more of mentor, role model and boundary-keeper. That means that unless you see some really unkind stuff going on, there is not much you can do here.

Frustrating, right? So, let’s take a look at how you can contribute to this friendship scenario.

1. Become an expert listener. As the parent, listen for the clues of how (and whether) your daughter is struggling.

2. Become a sounding board for problem-solving.

3. Back off and pay attention.

4. When in doubt, have everyone under your roof, and keep everything easy and likable for everyone (within reason).

This friendship will play out, and someone may well experience pain. Pain is a part of life, and you can’t stop that. Your purpose is to provide security, wisdom, love and boundaries through the pain.