My 7-year-old daughter is bright enough that many things come pretty easily for her, but when they don’t, she gets frustrated and quits. She won’t practice or work at anything because she’s not perfect the first time, and to her, that’s unacceptable. If she’s encouraged to keep trying, she’ll eventually storm off in frustration and continue to beat herself up over not being able to do it. We’ve tried modeling acceptance of imperfection in our own behavior, and we’ve tried praising effort instead of achievement, reminding her of past successes. Hugs, nurturing, reminders that we’ll always love her, etc. only seem to make her even angrier, but backing off doesn’t help her feel better, either. How can we help her learn to keep plugging away and get her over the hurdle?

Ah, perfectionism. Not just the paralyzing domain of children, I have also seen adults suffer terribly, too. So, let’s decode it a little.

Whether in an adult or a 7-year-old girl, perfectionism is a very useful feeling for humans. In trying to make everything “just right” or quitting when the going gets tough, the human brain avoids a great deal of uncomfortable feelings. Perfectionism is the brain’s way of defending itself against feeling out of control and, in essence, vulnerable.

Your daughter is scared of feeling out of control, so you must safely and slowly allow her to feel out of control.

No more praising, cheerleading, reminding her of past successes. If you pause and reflect on this, praising, cheerleading and all the other strategies are all pointing toward one thing: outcomes. Do the monkey bars, get on the bike, finish the homework, be happy.

Shift focus to letting her feel uncomfortable and worried and sad and out of control.

Show your daughter that she can make it through these feelings, and that you are not going to go anywhere. You are going to be there, 100 percent, to listen and hug – not to change or lessen or mitigate the feelings. In doing so, you are going to make room for discomfort. Why? Because, as developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld says, the more room you give a feeling, the less space it takes up.

Remember that this path is on her schedule, not yours. You can do everything “right” and by the book, but your daughter’s growth will happen when she is ready.