In October, you answered my question about the blinking warnings lights at the U.S. Highway 550 and Trimble Lane intersection. The lights used to start flashing just before the stoplight changed. Then CDOT changed the warning lights to constant flashing yellow for “safety” and to “boost awareness” of the intersection. What does CODT have to say now that the flashing warning signs have been removed altogether? Gone, without a trace. – Kitty Benzar
Under normal circumstances, when things disappear without a trace, you chalk it up to alien abduction.
Action Line can’t recall the last time alien abductions were discussed in this column. What a shameful oversight!
Trusted reporters should write about aliens any chance they get.
Doing so is merely responsible journalism.
After all, aliens kidnap random Earthlings for experiments and mutilate free-range cattle.
Aliens also like socks.
How else do you explain the disappearances of socks?
Your laundry goes in the washer. Then into the adjacent dryer.
Yet when you sort the load, one or two socks have simply vanished into thin air.
If that’s not proof of alien abduction, what else could it be?
And the government knows. The fact that President Obama has said nothing about extraterrestrials or hosiery only points to a cover-up.
It also explains why Area 51 has no laundromats.
Meanwhile, back at Trimble Lane, here’s a scenario:
U.F.O.s were flying in stealth mode down the Animas Valley on their way to Roswell, N.M., when the aliens noticed Trimble’s constantly flashing lights.
The aliens liked the lights. So they activated a tractor beam and stole them.
Then they mounted the lights to their flying saucers as a trophy.
So the next time you see a blinking object streaking across the night sky, know that it’s neither a plane nor a satellite.
It’s those scofflaw aliens taunting us with the purloined Trimble beacons.
That’s Action Line’s theory.
Mrs. Action Line, however, was having none of it.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to just call CDOT and ask where the flashing signs went?” she asked.
Once again, Mrs. Action Line proves to be the voice of reason in an increasingly irrational world.
So we phoned our good friend Lisa Schwantes, spokeswoman for the Colorado Department of Transportation.
Unfortunately, Lisa said there were no aliens or abductions to report. However, there was this matter of some invisible rays.
Well, not so much.
The Trimble stoplight now features some advanced detectors that use microwaves to gauge traffic flows, Lisa said.
The microwave detectors will primarily sense U.S. Highway 550 traffic and maintain a green light for motorists headed up or down the valley.
Should a vehicle approach the intersection from the Trimble side street, the microwave detectors would gauge any gap in traffic and time the light to take advantage of that gap, she said.
CDOT plans to install microwave detectors this month on U.S. Highway 160 intersections at Bayfield and Mancos.
It’s an alien concept, using microwaves to control stoplights instead of nuking burritos or making popcorn.
But it could offer an out-of-this-world way to improve the flow of traffic.
Or maybe these space-age detectors could prove that CDOT is in cahoots with Snowdown to promote the upcoming “Intergalactic Snowdown” theme.
But that’s just a theory.
May the farce be with you.
Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can ask for anonymity if you know that there are a mere 57 shopping days left until Snowdown 2017.