I noticed that the City Council has tackled all the tough issues facing the town involving chickens, dispensaries and now the possible use of Segways on the Animas River Trail. I am curious. What is next? A halt to dog sleds on Main Avenue? A noise ordinance banning loud 8-track systems? Thanks Uncle Teddy
The brave stance to ban Segway gizmos has only emboldened the City Council in its quest to broaden our lives through restrictions.
In fact, there are a host of problems local government has secretly identified for corrective measures.
Action Line has obtained, at great risk, a super confidential document called Freedom Through Regulation: A 10-Year Strategic Initiative To Enhance the Durango Lifestyle, created by a shadow government that really controls things around here.
If you doubt the existence of the shadow government, just look at the phrase the Durango lifestyle.
From magazines to real estate listings, you see the Durango lifestyle bandied about.
But what is the Durango lifestyle?
No one actually knows. But everyone wants you to have it.
See? Thats a massive conspiracy.
A key element of this secret plan is to make Durango even more environmentally friendly.
So dont be surprised to see the City Council require medical marijuana dispensaries to purchase carbon offsets to make up for all the greenhouse gases produced by copious consumption of wellness products.
Truth in advertising is another cornerstone of the secret plan.
Thus, we soon will see regulations requiring local massage therapists, candle makers and ceramic artists to be certified farmers before being allowed to display at the farmers market.
The secret plan urges a severe smackdown on entitled bicyclists.
A new law proposes that cyclists who ride two or three abreast will have to surrender their multithousand-dollar bikes, gaudy jerseys and helmets.
To get back their gear, scofflaws must pedal 100 loops through downtown on a rusted Huffy with a basket and kickstand while wearing a NASCAR T-shirt, cutoff jeans and nylon baseball cap bearing the logo of a farm implement company.
The secret plan calls for a balanced budget, so we soon will see a City Council resolution that prohibits snow from falling between the hours of 5 p.m. and 8 a.m. weekdays and all day on weekends, thus eliminating the need to pay overtime this winter, should the city change its current no-plowing policy.
Strict limits will be placed on nonprofit organizations, with the number of local charitable groups capped at current levels: one nonprofit for every 1.7 residents.
An overpopulation of nonprofits can strain local resources and result in shortages of silent auction items, cheese cubes, carrot sticks and cheap wine.
Another controversial measure will require everyone working downtown to wear faux Western garb to show tourists that Durango is a genuine cowboy town.
In the meantime, food-safety regulations will be expanded to any place serving any type of food.
Thus, all bears now will be required to wear latex gloves before foraging in alley garbage cans.
The bruins will be nurtured by a revolutionary program in which the city will buy those Segway scooters banned from the Animas River Trail and make them available to local wildlife.
After dining on trash, bears can hop on Segways and ride safely back to their natural habitat.
Then, while the bears hibernate, the city can gather up the Segways, recharge the batteries and let people putt-putt across the Bridge to Nowhere.
Its probably the only traffic those bridges are ever going to see.
There are many other measures that could be enacted. So if you have an idea for the secret 10-Year Strategic Initiative To Enhance the Durango Lifestyle, please send them along, and Action Line will forward them to the shadow government.
E-mail questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 80301. You can request anonymity if you reveal the undisclosed location where the shadow government meets.