A weighty concern struck me this morning as my husband and I sat down to do our morning astrological reading. With the newspaper coming out every other day now, which dates do the horoscope apply? Today and tomorrow? Tomorrow only? For the next two days? Or is this a retroactive horoscope? Our daily plans hinge upon it. Thanks for letting us know. – Sign me: I saw the sign – One fish, two fish – Mercury in retrograde – Herald horoscope horror?
Action Line pondered metaphysical matters and gazed intently into his nearly empty coffee mug.
There appeared an ominous message in the grounds: “Outlook is hazy.”
Does it mean Mrs. Action Line is about to encounter a coal-rolling cretin? Is the Four Corners methane cloud converging over the Durango vortex?
Or perhaps the “hazy outlook” predicts a violent haboob barreling in from the west. (“Haboob” is a real word for dust storm. Action Line needs to get this off his chest. To keep abreast of spectacular vernacular, use your dictionary.)
It was all too much to comprehend, so Action Line consulted a local psychic practitioner, Crystal Andasola.
Crystal has been in the news of late because her Sacred Space metaphysical shop also faces a hazy outlook. Sacred Space is one of several businesses dislocated from a Camino del Rio building that’s about to be razed for a hotel
Crystal – a seer and master crystologist – is having a hard time finding new but affordable and appropriate digs.
So this brings up an intriguing opportunity. Did Crystal’s horoscope say anything about work space last week?
Crystal is on the cusp of two zodiac signs. Wednesday’s prognostications for Leo advised her to enjoy “cocooning at home because you feel the need to pamper yourself.” Meanwhile, for Cancer, “you will be productive today” (with a creative project or art) and “you will feel sympathetic toward children.”
No wonder Crystal pooh-poohs such poppycock. “Horoscopes are erroneous and hoaxy,” she said. “The problem is, some people take them seriously and act upon ‘advice’ that is inauthentic. It’s like calling Miss Cleo.”
Anyone who watched late-night TV in the late 1990s will remember “Miss Cleo.” She was the sketchy spiritualist hawking the Psychic Readers Network on low-budget infomercials. “Call me now,” she would say in a dubious Jamaican accent.
The Federal Trade Commission shut down the operation, charging it with raking in more than $1 billion through false advertising and overly aggressive collections. Miss Cleo (whose real name was Youree Dell Harris, a Los Angeles native) was never indicted. She died last summer.
But her presence still haunts the serious metaphysical world.
“Rest assured, I’m the real deal,” Crystal counters. “I was born with true gifts that help people transform, heal and discover.”
For the past 38 years (the last 27 of them in Durango), Crystal has done spiritual readings, angelic channelings and chakra openings, along with house and business blessings, smudges and spirit clearings. She also Skypes with clients worldwide.
Crystal’s bottom line on newspaper horoscopes: Read them for “goofy fun.”
However, for serious guidance, a genuine spiritual reading would be in order. Her website is scaredspacedurango.com.
So, as the veil closes on this column, permit Action Line to tell the only soothsayer joke in his repertoire.
What do you call a midget fortuneteller who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large!
Who couldn’t see that one coming?
Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you predict what next week’s column will be about.