DEAR ABBY: I am a 28-year-old female. I recently married the most amazing man in the whole world, “Jeremy.” We connect, communicate, understand and love everything about each other. My only issue is, Jeremy has an obsession/fetish with women smoking cigarettes.
He fantasizes about me smoking all day, every day. I don’t smoke. I did for nine years, but quit five years ago (before I met him). I hated smoking – the smell, the waste of money, the example I was setting for my kids, the harm to my health and feeling out of breath.
Smoking has killed some of my relatives, and Jeremy knows it. But every day he keeps begging me to start up again. He tells me he’d do anything in the world to turn me on, and doesn’t understand why I refuse to please him by smoking. He asks me to hold a cigarette, take pictures of myself smoking it and send them to him. He wants to smell it on my breath. He’s literally obsessed.
It really bothers me. I’ve bawled my eyes out in front of him telling him how much I don’t want to do it. He’ll feel bad and say he’ll stop, but starts back up again. I feel like it’s selfish that he wants me to put myself at risk to arouse him. He knows how I feel about every aspect of it.
We have spent hours and hours talking this out. We plan on having a baby. I asked him how he’d feel if I smoked with his baby in my belly. He responded that I’d have to quit for the pregnancy.
I feel this is going to ruin our marriage. What should I do? Give in and start up with this horrible habit again to satisfy my husband? – Lost and Hurt in New England
DEAR LOST AND HURT: I confess, your letter is a first. If Jeremy loved you, rather than risk your health for his sexual gratification, he would be seeking professional help for his fetish.
Smoking is not a harmless habit. If you take up smoking again, it will ruin your health and endanger the health of any children you might have with him. Do not give in. Do not risk cancer or lung disease to please him.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, I attended my daughter’s high school graduation. It was an outdoor event, and to my chagrin, the whole crowd to our left was talking over the speakers, which made it impossible to hear. My children, who also could not hear, were mortified when I shushed the group very loudly. It made no difference, but the argument now is that I acted inappropriately.
I believe I was right, and I wish I had even stood up and asked loudly for them to please be quiet. What do you think? – Quiet, Please, in New Haven
DEAR QUIET, PLEASE: I don’t think you did anything wrong. The individuals who were talking were rude not only to the speakers, but also to the audience members who wanted to hear what the speakers were saying without being distracted. Good for you for trying to get them to pipe down. I’m sorry they were so self-entitled that it didn’t work.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.