Now that it’s almost Dec. 31, would you be so kind as to round up “the usual suspects” and ask them about their New Year’s resolutions. – Jimmy
Your wish is Action Line’s command. So let’s start with man-about-town and catering pooh-bah Chuck Norton.
So, Chuck, what’s your New Year’s resolution?
“Let’s see,” he pondered for a moment and then broke out in a huge smile with a wicked twinkle in his eye.
“In 2011, I resolve to keep instances of botulism down to the bare minimum.”
Chuck also added that he also will try to “find a new nonfood use for my artichoke-green chile dip.”
Up at City Hall, when our city manager was asked for his resolution, Ron LeBlanc didn’t miss a beat:
“I hope to be invited to the Goeglein Family Reunion this summer.”
And who wouldn’t want to be the special guest of honor at such a gathering of far-flung pioneer progeny? Bring on Chuck’s artichoke-green chile dip!
At the Colorado Department of Transportation, our buddy Nancy Shanks proffered a practical resolution.
“I resolve to sharpen my wit and thicken my skin,” she said with a laugh.
Both are essential survival tools for any CDOT spokesperson, a job that Nancy performs with grace and aplomb.
Over at the County Courthouse, Wally White, our eminently reasonable county commissioner, had a fabulous goal for 2011.
“My resolution for the coming year is simple,” he said. “The next gas well I drill on my property, I resolve not to dump any toxic, proprietary chemicals that will leach into the groundwater.”
So it’s ix-nay on personal fracing.
Cathy Metz, director of Durango’s Parks and Recreation Department, has the simplest, if not most mysterious, resolution.
“In 2011, I resolve to reinvent.”
“So exactly what do you mean?” Action Line asked. “Reinvent what?”
“Use your imagination. I’ll leave the details to you,” she said with a chuckle.
Giving such free reign can be dangerous.
For instance, we could reinvent the Animas River Trail – open it up for slothful tourists on Segways. And Segways are amazing transportation devices. Just ask the guy who owned the company.
Oops. That’s not an option. The British investor who bought Segway was killed in late September after riding one of his scooters off a cliff and into a river near his Yorkshire estate. Seriously.
Let’s reinvent Chapman Hill – turn it into a water park. Why not? There’s all that snowmaking plumbing already in the ground, and we wouldn’t have to freeze the water.
While we’re at it, Parks and Rec could turn the Florida Road roundabout into a bumper-car ride. In the meantime, the Zamboni shavings from the ice rink are perfect for frozen margaritas for parents or slushies for the kids.
Reinvention also could apply to Rec Center swimming pools, which suffer from a noticeable lack of Jell-O.
Imagine if thousands of gelatin packages were dumped in the water for Friday-night gelatin wresting matches. Who wouldn’t fork over $15 to watch combatants throw half-nelsons in lemon-lime slurry?
Mrs. Action Line had a feisty resolution of her own. “Beginning Jan. 1, I resolve to whip you into shape, buster,” she proclaimed.
Mrs. Action Line didn’t specify if “whipping into shape” was a general behavioral directive or specific physical-fitness regimen.
In self-reflection, Action Line would be well-served to do both. Right after midnight Saturday.
Until then, we’ll relish five remaining days of gluttony, sloth and indolence.
b b b
Talk about serendipity.
Our friend and loyal reader Lynn Gray must be a mind reader because she sent in three top-notch suggestions just in time for the resolutions column.
“I wanted to request that in 2011, we let our fellow drivers know our intentions, i.e. use the turn signals,” she writes.
“Let’s bring all of our vehicle registrations up to date, which will help with some income for the county,” Lynn adds.
“And don’t forget that STOP on a sign means just that, and that slowing is not the same.”
E-mail questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 80301. You can request anonymity if you please don’t bring any more leftover cookies, candy, baked goods or candy canes to the workplace.