Dear Mr. Bezos,
We were very sorry to hear about the hard time those people gave you in New York.
That is one hard town, right? They wanted all kinds of crazy things from you. It was almost as though they thought you should pay them to put your mega-headquarters and 25,000 jobs in the vicinity of Rep. Ocasio-Cortez’s district. And then, when you pulled out, those socialists actually celebrated!
“Together, we did this,” said a group called New York Communities for Change. “You marched with us, you petitioned with us, you supported our worker organizing, and in the end, we WON. Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone except Jeff Bezos!”
That is so rude.
But guess what, Jeff? It may be a few days past Valentine’s Day, but have we got a gift for you.
We have a site for your new headquarters.
Have you ever heard of Colorado? If you’re coming from Seattle, it’s to the right of Utah, near Denver. Now look down. You might have to zoom in. More. There it is: Durango.
Cool name, right?
“Amazon Durango.” It has a ring to it.
Did we mention we already have an airport?
Zoom in more. More: See? That’s the Durango-La Plata County Airport.
Yes, it will need to be bigger. But for a lot less than you paid for that other newspaper, you could make it as big as you want.
We have not discussed this yet with the city and county, but we’re thinking we also could give you a break on property taxes. Like, zero. And we don’t have that many socialists here, just Democrats. But wait, there’s more:
We might be able to finagle a personal discount for you on the sales tax. What will happen is, if you want to buy, let’s say, a T-shirt on Main Avenue, like “I heart Durango” with a dollar sign, something classy, and there’s a dollar due in sales tax, 10 of our leading citizens (we have leading citizens already) will each kick in a dime to make you whole. What do you think?
Have we mentioned there’s a train? You’ll love the train. None of that high-speed-rail malarkey. This one is narrow gauge and soooooo fun. Whistle and everything.
Now, you’re going to need a site for the headquarters and some housing for workers. Two words: Three Springs.
Zoom in more.
It’s even in the city limits, and the best part is, we’ve already built a bridge for you. Just for you.
Hey, is there any chance when you build down there, you could put in a supermarket? It could even be a Whole Foods.
Now, you might be wondering what there is to do around here when you’re not working. You’ve probably heard of Snow down. It’s world-famous. Sort of like Mardi Gras, but colder and in the dark.
In the summers, we like to go to the dog park and stack rocks. It’s very calming. And then we have all the pot shops, which might be good for a Type A guy like you, you know?
We heard about that National Enquirer hoo-hah. Sorry if that’s a sore subject. But we just want you to know that we would totally respect your privacy. If you sent someone some racy pics and then her brother gave them to us, we would not print them. We wouldn’t even put them online. It would just be between us. Scout’s honor.
Please give us a call so we can discuss your future.