Dear Action Line: Can I run on the new grass at Santa Rita Park? How about now? Now can I run on that grass? How about now? Can I? Can I? Can I? – Itching To Go
Dear Itching: The new grass is an attractive nuisance because it looks so fresh and inviting, and the temptation may be high to roll around on it like a frenzied dog on roadkill, but control yourself. Those tender little blades will eventually be pounded by thousands of little soccer-playing feet, so the grass needs every chance to set roots as deep as possible.
Cathy Metz, director of the city’s Parks and Recreation Department, encouraged people to find a spot of mature grass in one of the other city parks. “The grass at Santa Rita will be open for the enjoyment of the public later this year,” she said.
Action Line asked Metz if she thought it would be funny to make some joke about her standing guard at Santa Rita with a stick, waving it around and saying, “You kids stay off the grass!” She demurred, saying basically that’s my job, which was awesome because Action Line always wanted to have a job waving a stick and yelling at people. She may have been talking about something else.
Dear Action Line: Why are city councilors playing Bag Police by supporting reusable bags, which are the No. 1 cause of spreading coronavirus? Are they trying to eliminate Durangotangs who will not comply with their wishes? – Tim Maher
Dear Tim: During a full moon, city councilors wear plague masks and ride the black helicopter hidden at the UN base under Lake Nighthorse. Using chemtrails as cover, they cackle and toss coronavirus-ridden reusable shopping bags on unsuspecting Durangotangs.
World dominion is all but guaranteed as all the hippie-dippie Durangotangs ironically succumb from their quest to help make the planet a better place. Take that, hippies.
Just in case that assessment was wrong, Action Line forwarded your question to all five councilors. Councilor Melissa Youssef responded first. “I can’t speak for council as this item has not been discussed since the appearance of COVID-19,” she said. “Personally, I think this item will require future discussions and a solid understanding of what the virus means with regards to reusable bags.”
When those discussions arise, Action Line would like to enter for the record that reusable bags are definitely not the No. 1 cause of how coronavirus spreads. Everyone knows that exposure to general idiocy is the main way coronavirus spreads. So if you are reading this column, congratulations, you now qualify for 13 weeks of unemployment.
Dear Action Line: Will the Snowdown Follies need to be canceled now that jokes cannot be made without offending audience members? – Say No Evil, Have No Fun
Dear Evil: Action Line hopes the Follies will never be canceled. What better way is there to mirror, no matter how warped, the shenanigans and foibles of the Four Corners than by depicting every bodily function known to exist, and in a drunken slapstick way? Isn’t offending people kind of the point of the Follies? Action Line is offended by your question.
Email questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301.