Dear Action Line: If a 40-foot unflattering caricature of a white person was used to advertise a Durango business, what would the sign look like and what kind of business would it be? – Fair’s fair
Dear Fair: Describing this business is easy. Half the space would be dedicated to awesome bicycles, radical skis and killer weed. The other half would be filled with slow-roast coffee, artisanal pizza and micro-brewed beer.
That’s all a Durangotang needs. That, and love. And patience. And understanding. Durangotangs often just need a hug and warm bowl of soup.
As for the sign outside this hypothetical business, that’s a bit tougher. If you really want an unflattering caricature of a white person, just install a 40-foot version of Action Line. Keep in mind this would inevitably lead to pitchforks, torches and mass rioting, so buyer beware.
For anyone recently tuning in to this broadcast, there are two petitions floating around Durango about a large outdoor sign of a Native American used to advertise a downtown business.
One petition is to take down the “Chief” sign because it is viewed as a degrading caricature that reinforces stereotypes about Indigenous people. These people are not happy.
The other, a counter-petition, is gathering signatures to show support for the sign that has been a part of Durango since the 1950s and is viewed by supporters as appreciating diversity. These people are also not happy.
So there’s lots of unhappiness about the sign on both sides.
Maybe the best solution to the Chief quandary is to keep the sign, but repaint it every month to keep everyone happy. Or more likely, to offend everyone.
The Durango Herald can ask readers in its online poll: What should the Chief look like now?
Robot Game of Thrones character Stoner Alien “The Dude” from “The Big Lebowski”None of the aboveProblem solved.
Dear Action Line: Can a parliament of owls be attacked by a murder of crows? – Bird watcher
Dear Watcher: The owls are the Greek goddess Athena’s sacred animal for good reason. Sure, they may have their wise demeanor that’s well-suited to parliamentary proceedings, but if things go south, the raptors have more than just their wits to defend themselves, and the crows know it, said Joe Lewandowski, spokesman with Colorado Parks and Wildlife.
“Crows didn’t earn the moniker of ‘murder’ by being stupid,” he said. “Have you ever seen the talons of a great horned owl? They are terrifyingly sharp stilettos that sink into soft flesh like a fork into meatloaf.
“So they’d never attack owls, let alone a parliament full of them. But, the real reason it wouldn’t happen is that owls prowl the skies at night and crows soar in the sunshine.”
Action Line had one last question for Lewandowski: Between a shrewdness of apes and a caravan of camels, which would be the first to type “Romeo and Juliet” given an infinite number of typewriters?
“There’s an equal chance,” he said, very owl-like.
Email questions to email@example.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. Action Line is pretty sure an infinite number of ants could write this column in a weekend given enough typewriters.