There’s a rumor that the city is no longer planning to scrap the Buzz Bus. Someone told me that there are plans to have the bus run on sunflower oil or organic mead. Predictably, the City Council enthusiastically approved $15 million toward the program because the Buzz Bus is going green. True or false? Sign me, Johnnie Walker
The Buzz Bus, Durango’s underrated transportation service for the overserved, will make a stunning comeback thanks to its new Earth-friendly mission.
The city determined that the service operated at a $32,409.90 annual deficit. (It must have been that 90 cents that prompted calls for its elimination!)
Anyway, Buzz Bus boosters quickly discovered that the city is more interested in saving the planet than keeping drunks off local streets. So the bus will convert to an alternative fuel source – and thereby enjoy a slick and frothy source of funding.
The $15 million is well more than 25 percent of Durango’s $58 million budget for 2014. But it’ll be worth the investment.
Not only will the Buzz Bus be retrofitted to burn sunflower oil and organic mead, its radiator will undergo extensive re-engineering so that used bong water will cool the engine.
The city has an abundance of used bong water, but nearly all of it is poured down the drain and wasted.
Therefore, bong-water recycling will begin, and the city will provide residents with 10-gallon drums for curbside pickup.
This new service will not only conserve water, but each bong-water barrel will be bear-proof.
Some of the $15 million will be used to install a trailer hitch on the Buzz Bus.
As part of its “green” outreach initiative, the bus will haul around the city’s new $100,000 kelp-and-molasses organic weed-control spreader to raise awareness of alternative turf management.
This activity will further support the city’s new policy of creating solutions for problems that don’t exist.
With its new munificent municipal money, the Buzz Bus will also enhance the rowdy ride by doing several high-speed “victory laps” around the Florida Road roundabout, providing its plastered patrons with even more of a buzz.
Should riders become ill from nocturnal loop-the-loops, the Buzz Bus will have plenty of motion sickness bags on hand.
Not the single-use plastic ones, thank you very much. Buzz Bus Barf Bags will be woven, reusable and sustainable – perfect for grocery shopping after a formidable washing.
And finally, what’s a new government service without a new government agency?
To administer the green-based Buzz Bus, the city will create a department of drunkard transportation called Sot DOT.
Sot DOT will be part of the multi-modal plan, which adds staggering and stumbling to the list of ways to get around town.
This new and exciting future for the Buzz Bus will begin April 1, 2014. Be sure to note that important day. Yup. April the First. Very important.
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Last week’s column for the advice-seeking Baltimore resident moving to Hesperus provided diametrically opposite comments for the Mea Culpa Mailbag.
Loyal reader “Vera C.” was furious.
Action Line’s citing of U.S. Census data that only 6.8 percent of women in Durango earn their keep in the professional and scientific industries “makes it sound like the writer thinks that Durango women are pretty much all stupid,” Vera C. asserted.
“The comment referring to a man having a small ‘cerebral cortex’ if he drives a full-size truck is ridiculous. If you would have continued your breakdown of the job Census you would have found construction to be one of the largest job markets in the area, and you can’t haul lumber with a Subaru Outback,” she writes
(Actually, Action Line’s snide comment referred to “jacked-up pickup trucks,” which haul insecure young males and not building materials, but we digress.)
“Your portrayal of Durango being full of idiots who scrounge for food at fundraisers for nonprofits, which you make sound like it is a bad thing, is not what this town needs. … Please don’t discourage people from coming here by making the us sound stupid.”
On the other side of issue is loyal reader Dave Alexander, who writes that the column “hit it right on the head. Great response, very funny and true. I have lived in this town my whole life – 54 years.”
Email questions to email@example.com or mail them to Action Line, The Durango Herald, 1275 Main Ave., Durango, CO 81301. You can request anonymity if you ever wondered what would happen if the Buzz Bus offered Ladies Night, with 2-for-1 specials.