Another year has passed … no, make that 10 years since we moved to Durango. And because I spend a lot of time downtown,I see a lot of the same people day in and day out, year after year. For my year-end confession, I must reveal that I
have uncovered a sinister downtown conspiracy that must be exposed. Somebody is purposefully causing a type of aging
chaos in downtown, and it is apparently going unnoticed by everyone but me.
I'll explain:
Some invisible force is reshaping people's faces because everyone appears older but me. One of my work mates has aged
so much she didn't even recognize me. I studied my reflection in the City Hall men's room mirror and concluded that
because of budget reductions, the mirrors had been replaced with warped, inferior glass, thus contorting my facial
features. And why are so many people dying their hair gray? I've chosen to leave mine baby-boomer blond.
On the second floor of Bank of Colorado I noticed the stairway has been tampered with. Someone added a few stairs and
made the rise steeper causing me to huff. This prank of altering elevations has spread throughout downtown because I
see other people huffing as well. Using GIS gadgetry, I've confirmed that East Second Avenue has been raised another 6
inches higher above Main Avenue … more huffing. Has no one else noticed this but me?
Has your car been mysteriously moved? I arrive at work and park in the closest spot to the front door. When I leave at
night, my truck is five spaces farther away than where I parked it. After a long day, I notice my briefcase feels
heavier, but I can't find the invisible rock in it. Who's doing this?
I have documented proof that the curbs have been raised 1 inch and the blocks are 50 inches longer. It takes me an
extra 10 minutes to walk from the train station to Buckley Park. When I attend meetings, people are speaking in
whispers. Some even lip sync. Do they think I can read lips?
It's no different at home.
The font sizes in the newspaper and on my computer keep shrinking, and someone in my household keeps lowering the sound
of the evening news broadcast. I declare our community is under attack, and I don't know why no one recognizes the
problem but me. I strongly urge anyone who has experienced these same indignities to come forward and demand justice be
carried out.
So while I resolve to enjoy another year of middle age, I also pledge to expose those responsible for this sneaky prank
of aging proportion. Enjoy your life in 2010 … apparently it's later than we think.
kunkelra@cidurango.co.us
Bob Kunkel is special events and business coordinator for Durango's Central Business District.
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