DEAR ABBY: After many years of trying to keep our family together, divorce is our final option. My husband has had two affairs that I know of during our 30-year marriage. They hurt me deeply. We’ve had lots of counseling, but we can’t get past the damage and breakdown in communication.
Should I tell our university-age children about the affairs? I kept them secret for years because he was a good father, and I didn’t want to ruin my kids’ relationship with their dad. But now that we are breaking up, I’m afraid I may be blamed when our situation is entirely his fault.
I did everything I could to save our marriage, including forgiving the first affair, which happened before our kids were born, and raising what I thought were happy and successful children with him. Now he has blown this up again, and I’m angry he gets to continue having a good relationship with our children.
At the same time, I have a good relationship with my elderly father, although I suspect he may have cheated on my mother. After all these years, I don’t know for sure and I’m grateful I don’t. What do you think? Should my children know the real reason why we split? – Resentful in Canada
DEAR RESENTFUL: If your husband is true to form, your children will probably figure out for themselves that their dad has a character flaw. You said you are grateful you don’t know the intimate details about your father. That’s why I’m recommending you take a page out of your own book and refrain from the temptation to sling mud at your almost-ex.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I both have children in their mid-20s. I don’t understand why she coddles her son to the point that he is just now learning to do laundry, clean his own bathroom, pay bills, grocery shop or even attend doctor’s appointments on his own. She always has some excuse as to why he wasn’t taught life skills when he was younger.
When it came time for her son to move out, she bought herself a new home instead. She said it would be easier for him and that he shouldn’t have to pay the price of a house with interest rates where they are. She then spent an insane amount on a home and moved, buying new furniture for herself and leaving her old stuff for him.
How can she not see she’s doing more harm than good when it comes to teaching him independence? Both parents do this to him. My daughter, age 18, has been doing these things since she was 12, and that includes cooking, yard work, laundry and housework besides just vacuuming. Doesn’t my friend realize it’s harmful to not have her son do things on his own? Am I wrong for thinking this way? – Good Parent in Michigan
DEAR PARENT: You are not wrong. By not teaching her son survival skills he will need on his own (if he ever gets there), she has slowed his ability to fend for himself. This may have been an attempt to make his life easier. It could also have been an attempt to keep her beloved son dependent upon her as long as possible. Be thankful the young man is getting the lessons he is being taught, even if they are a little late.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
